How to Guide an Elderly Fraud Victim Without Making Them Feel Foolish
Dorothy Palmer is sitting in the lobby with her purse on her lap and a manila folder in both hands. She's been here since the doors opened. She's wearing her good coat — the one she reserves for the doctor and the bank — because this is serious. Inside the folder is a printed bank statement with seven transactions circled in red pen. Careful circles. Librarian circles. The total is $11,847. That's four months of her fixed income. Dorothy is 74 years old. She's banked here for thirty years. She does not understand how someone took her money, but she's beginning to suspect she knows when. Last Tuesday. The phone call about Medicare. The one where the nice young man asked her to "verify" her card number. She hasn't told anyone about that call. She's too embarrassed. Dorothy didn't come in to file a dispute. She came in because she doesn't trust the phone anymore — not after what the phone did to her — and she needs someone to sit across from her and tell her it's going to be okay. But only if that someone doesn't make her feel stupid first.
Why This Conversation Goes Wrong
You move too fast. Bank fraud protocol is urgent — freeze the card, file the dispute, issue a temporary credit. But Dorothy processes information slowly and deliberately. If you rattle through the steps at operational speed, she'll nod along without understanding what happened or what comes next. She'll leave more confused than when she arrived.
You ask "Did you give anyone your card number?" too early. That question, asked in the wrong tone or at the wrong moment, sounds like "Did you cause this?" Dorothy already thinks she did. Asking it before you've established safety confirms her worst fear: that this is her fault and the bank is going to blame her for it.
You use the word "victim" before she's ready. Dorothy doesn't see herself as a victim. She sees herself as someone who should have known better. Labeling her experience before she's named it herself can deepen the shame instead of relieving it. Let her get there. She will — but on her timeline.
The Gentle Ledger
Elderly fraud cases are not just financial events — they are dignity events. The customer sitting across from you is battling two threats at once: the loss of their money and the loss of their self-respect. The Gentle Ledger framework treats both as equally urgent. It moves at the customer's pace, secures the account without creating panic, and discovers the fraud source through warmth instead of interrogation.
Slow the room down
"Mrs. Palmer, thank you for coming in. You did exactly the right thing bringing this to us in person. Let's go through your statement together — take your time." Before you touch the computer, before you ask a single question, you establish two things: she is not in trouble, and there is no rush. For a 74-year-old woman who has been up all night worrying, those two signals are more important than anything on the screen.
Let her show you
"Can you walk me through what you've circled?" Let Dorothy present her evidence. She prepared it. She organized it. Letting her explain what she found honors the work she did and tells you, through her own narration, what she understands and what she doesn't. Listen for the gap — the part she skips or hesitates on. That's where the phone call lives.
Secure first, explain second
"The first thing I'm going to do right now is lock this card so nothing else can come through. We're stopping this right here." Do it while she watches. Narrate the action. "Okay — that card is frozen. No one can use it now." She needs to see the bleeding stop before she can process what happened. Visual confirmation of safety.
Open the door gently
"Sometimes these charges start with a phone call or an email that seems very official. Has anything like that happened recently — even if it seemed normal at the time?" This is the question that gives Dorothy permission to tell you about the Medicare call without feeling interrogated. "Even if it seemed normal" removes the judgment. She'll look down. She'll pause. Then she'll tell you.
Name it as common, not careless
"Mrs. Palmer, that is one of the most common scams in the country right now. They're very convincing — they've fooled doctors, lawyers, and bank employees. You recognized something was wrong and you came in. That's exactly what you should have done." You just told a woman who felt foolish that she was, in fact, smart. She may tear up. That's the shame leaving.
The moment that changes everything
The $12,000 isn't why she can't sleep. The shame is.
Dorothy said "I've been up all night worrying." She didn't say "about the money." For elderly fraud victims, the financial loss is often secondary to the psychological wound. Research on elder fraud from the Stanford Center on Longevity shows that shame and self-blame are the primary reasons older adults delay reporting fraud — sometimes by weeks. They're not protecting the scammer. They're protecting themselves from being seen as incompetent by their families, their banks, and themselves. Dorothy came in at opening because she's been building courage since 3am. The banker who says "this happens to smart people every day" isn't just being kind. They're removing the single biggest barrier to fraud reporting among elderly customers. Dignity isn't a courtesy in these cases. It's a fraud prevention tool.
What to Say (and What Not To)
Instead of
"Did you share your card number with anyone?"
Try this
"Sometimes these charges start with a call or email that seemed very official. Has anything like that come through recently?"
Instead of
"You should never give your card number over the phone."
Try this
"These scams are incredibly convincing. They impersonate Medicare, banks, even the IRS. You recognized something was wrong and came in — that's exactly right."
Instead of
"I'll file a dispute and you should hear back in 10 business days."
Try this
"Here's what happens next. I've written down each step and my direct phone number. If you have any questions at all, you call me."
Instead of
"Is there anything else I can help with?"
Try this
"Mrs. Palmer, I want you to know — you're going to be okay. Your account is locked, the dispute is filed, and I'm personally following this. You did the right thing coming in."
The Bigger Picture
The FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center reported that Americans over 60 lost over $3.4 billion to fraud in 2023 — a 20% increase from the prior year. Phone-based social engineering scams, including Medicare impersonation, account for a disproportionate share of elder fraud. Yet AARP research estimates that only 1 in 44 elder fraud cases is ever reported, primarily because of shame, embarrassment, and fear of being perceived as mentally declining.
A study in The Gerontologist found that elder fraud victims who were treated with empathy and without judgment during the reporting process were significantly more likely to report future suspicious activity and less likely to experience prolonged depression. The first responder in most financial fraud isn't law enforcement — it's a bank teller. How that teller handles the conversation determines whether the victim recovers or withdraws.
Practice This Conversation
8 minutes · AI voice roleplay with Dorothy Palmer
Reading about this is step one. Practicing it changes everything. Sonitura lets you rehearse this exact conversation with Dorothy Palmer, a realistic AI bank customer, 74, retired librarian, 30-year account holder who reacts to your words in real time. It takes 8 minutes. When Dorothy sits down with that manila folder and those careful red circles, you'll already know how to protect her account, find the phone call she's afraid to mention, and send her home with her dignity intact.
Practice This Scenario Free →